Dear Mr. Serpentine,
First of all, congratulations on having an extremely cool name! Are you currently in or have you thought about getting into pornos? If so, say hi to Mr. Weiner for me, because to answer your question, that's where I think he belongs! I don't normally care what people do with their free time, including people in the public eye, but in this case, it seems like Mr. Weiner's "talents" are better suited for a different profession than that which he currently seeks - namely one that is based in the San Fernando Valley. Hahahaha! Now don't jump to any conclusions about me, I wasn't involved in the texting and I haven't seen the photos, all I'm saying is that anyone so keen on "letting it all hang out" should get paid to do so. Besides, his last name is WEINER! You can't invent that!
I saw your height on your resume and I don't think you're really 1'9", you look shorter. I know a lot of Hollywood actors fudge their stats, do you do it too?
Sincerely, Jennifer Springfield
I can call you Jen, right? Based on your personal remark it seems like we've met. Wait, we haven't met? Then how the heck do you get off presuming to know how tall I am? I mean really! Sorry for the snark Jen, I guess I'm a little touchy about my height. Not because I'm self conscious, but because I'm proud of all twenty-one of my inches and wouldn't dream of lying about them! So to answer your question, no, I don't "fudge my stats," but thanks so much for asking. Now if you'll just tell me what brand underwear you wear we can call it even! Hahahahaha!